I love casual sex now that I’m divorced

December 01, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am a 42-year-old woman and I have two children, but I am divorced. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sabbath.

I sang in the choir and I taught Sabbath school. I met my charming husband in church. People respected us.

My husband went abroad to study. He kept in touch with me for a while. Then the communication lessened. I suspected that he had a girlfriend but it took him a long time to admit it. He told me not even his cheating could separate us. He would talk to the children on the phone. I did not pressure him for money because I was able to manage.

When I realised that my marriage was in trouble I spoke to my father about it and he encouraged me to stay firm. Then my husband informed me that he wanted to move on because he had found another woman. He said that he wanted to find a way to get his permanent stay and he did not believe it was fair to me to wait until he got through.

My husband divorced me and I stopped attending church. When he was getting married to his new woman, he told me. By that time, my tears had dried up. I was angry but I got over it. My parents took my children and helped me to raise them while I went back to school. I live in my own house. I have a good job. My mortgage is not high. But I am a changed woman. I never cheated on my husband while we were married. But I cannot live a lonely life, so I started to date men and to take them to my house.

The first man I dated was a married man. He slept over but I wasn't comfortable with that and I told him that I did not want a married man. He said we should continue because he loves me and he was willing to divorce his wife and come to me. But I did not agree. Right now, I find myself having sex with three different men and I don't feel bad about it. They are all educated and if I want to have sex with them, I invite them to my house. I tell myself that something must be wrong because I don't want to settle down with any of them. I need my space. None of these men can come to my house without informing me. One of them tried and I refused to answer the door. He asked me why I wasn't letting him in and I told him that I wasn't expecting him and that I had another visitor.

I have never borrowed money from any of these men. I like the way I am living. Sometimes my children are here with me, and no man is welcome here while my children are here. But they live with their grandparents. Do you think that I am rejecting me because of what my husband did to me? Casual sex is enjoyable to me, but I am not sure how long I should continue doing so. I would love your opinion.

T.M.

Dear T.M.,

The relationship with your husband started very well, but then it turned out to be a long-distance relationship, and those can be very trying.

Many like you have tried it, but it doesn't always work. Generally a spouse will go astray in a long-distance relationship. Sometimes relatives of a person who is living apart from their spouse try to tell them that instead of returning to Jamaica, they should find another person and get married. I am sorry to hear that your husband walked away from his marriage. But you are fortunate to have good parents to stand with you and assist you with the children so that you could go back to school and get an education.

Now you say that you have different men in your life. You are not interested in getting married again, but you engage in casual sex whenever you feel like. I am not here to condemn you, but I know that it would be better for you to have one man in your life and not to be engaged in sex with multiple partners. You are not selling sex, you just want a man to go to bed with you when you feel like. You don't even feel like these men are using you. Perhaps you feel that you are using them. Remember that although your marriage did not work, settling down with one man might be the best thing you should do.

I don't encourage divorce, but I know that divorce is a necessary evil. I hope that you will fall in love with one of these men and remarry. Life might be better the second time around. You are a grown woman so I suspect that you are taking all the precautions that you should. I wish you well.

Pastor

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